I've been having this issue for a while, with my voice, with authenticity, especially as it relates to this blog, a sort of public journal. When I go to my place I try to write a continuous journal entry, but sometimes I just jot down notes or make voice recordings or mentally record impressions. Sometimes I come to the clearing with preconceived ideas about what I'd like to write about. Invariably I change what I write in my journal before I post it on this blog, adding and deleting and polishing. I know that this is part of the assignment, and also part of being a writer: translating the raw thought, the thought which may not even be made of words. It's a frustrating thing, and it doesn't feel authentic sometimes. How much of my internal landscape to reveal? How to best reveal it?
I'm sick of my own voice, my internal writing voice. I'm sick of the rhythm of my sentences. I'm sick of polishing my thoughts before sharing them. It's confusing and it makes me forget what I really think. I'm sick of censoring myself, of saying nothing prettily. If you can't think of anything to say then just say nothing prettily. I thought up that advice tonight and gave it to myself. That's what I feel like I'm doing sometimes. Sometimes I'd like to say something ugly instead, meaning: I'd like to say something substantial, in an ugly way.
Now we can all tell it's late at night. Too late for me to polish and the censors have fallen asleep. So I post this now, my optional mini-rant.
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